"I wanna be weaker so I can be a help to the strong"

I have always been told "Jen, you're so strong!"

I often wonder if when we try to rely on our own strength that's not absolutely the epitome of pride. I think this because when we are finally forced on our knees it is simply admitting to our sovereign Lord that we were never in charge, and it was never our strength that got us through to begin with.

I often rely on my own strength. So, along with giving up control, learning what it means to truly love, and understanding how the body of Christ should operate, I am going to try and figure how to really rely on his strength for the first time in my life. It would be nice not to be so full of pride and self reliance that it takes a act of God, literally, to get me on my knees.

I think it is ironic that David was so full of pride, but he speaks over and over in Psalms about relying on the strength of his God...(Psalms 18.1,Psalms 28:7, Psalms 46:1, Psalms 73,26 and on and on) I love Psalms 73:26 "My flesh and my heart may fail but GOD is the strength of my heart."

What faith David boasted! What a man after God's own heart.

I want to be boastful in the things of my most sovereign Lord. I want to radiate his power, and I want to do this because it is for his glory. So much so, that people see him only, and there is nothing but the Holy Spirit doing the Father's work.

Sounds easy enough, right? Have ya meet me???

EAGRLY SEEK??

What does it mean to "eagerly seek" the things of Christ and why should we? I have been in prayer and meditation for the better part of the morning trying to figure this out. I realize that this is a never ending process. Also, my motivation for doing so was off. But if deep down your desire is to please the Father, I feel like he weeds through those emotions to show you truth in a situation.

I took a look back at 1 Corinthians 12 and Romans 12, about the body of Christ, and how we all have different parts, but we are one body.

First and foremost, I needed to know that I was not the mayor of crazy town, because that's how I was feeling. Gods word, as it should, has a way of calming you down because it is now HIS truth magnified for his glory in you. not yours.

It is my job to allow God to change me to be one with the things that HE has called me to do. It is NOT my job to try and change someone else. I alone have no power to do so. I must realize that God changing and burning me from the inside out will provoke change in whoever HE chooses for HIM to do so. It will NOT be ignored for it is not me. It is the Holy Spirit.

So burn, baby, burn.

Love conquers all?

This week has been incredibly challenging. Fair warning people, if you stand on something, it WILL be challenged. I said I was a prophet who would declare His words when and wherever He wanted me to. I said I had conquered my anger, and I said I had dealt with my past "mom" issues. I also said I would love unconditionally when all the rest failed because love conquers all and covers a multitude of sin. I can tell you now, that I have proven myself wrong at every possible turn. Lets break this down, shall we?

1.) I am a prophet. I will speak whenever wherever He leads me without hesitation. God said, "Hmmmmm, interesting. Ok, Jennifer."

So he sends my personal trainer, whom I ask a few innocent questions, who ends up telling me that he has been visited by a "evil entity" and "weird stuff" has happened to him all of his life (he should have died at birth from a heart condition, and when he lived they told his parents that he would not live past 20, have blood clot issues and have seizures until then. A random man in a grocery store came up to his father and told his father that his child would live. He has never had any problems since then, just to give you an idea of how much God wants this kid).

He has no idea I am a Christian. We have never talked about such things. I panic when it comes to "demons", giving them more power then they deserve. he also questions the existence of aliens and doesn"t believe in God. I ran fast, I ran hard, and I got mad at God because it got real, real fast. After calming down I ended up telling him that I am, "kinda like that man that told your dad you would live, and I thought that was my calling." I then told him that it was apparent to me that God had a purpose for his life, no doubt about it, and it's freakin' awesome. It took him 3 hours to respond but finally responded with,  "You are a good person." In response to which I said, "And so are you. I see you as you could be, not who you are. Start believing in yourself already." No response yet, but this story is not over people, and you have no idea how hard this was for me. This is MY gym. MY safe heaven where I leave my stress. How dare GOD fulfill the desires of my heart by seeing change. How dare He. "sigh"

2.) I got angry, very angry today and responded to a very good friend of mine out of anger. It had to do with very deep rooted emotions concerning my mother, which I did not even realize until a dear friend told me that was were it was coming from. "sigh"   I know what they were doing was wrong but I responded without God, and that is never, ever good.

So, with all that regression, I started thinking about love. What does it mean to love and be loved unconditionally? How does love cover a multitude of sins? Why is the greatest of all these love? Simple. Because God said so.

1 Corinthians 13, baby. We all know it. We have all read it, but have you ever stopped to REALLY take a look and realize how to love someone?

"¹ If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing

1.) Well, shit. ALL the prophecy in my world means nothing if I do not have love. I have gained nothing.

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

2.) I am not patient. I am not as kind as I could be. I often boast and tend to be on the proud side, if you have not noticed. I am easily angered. I don't trust. I don't always persevere.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

3.) WHAT?? LOVE is more important then prophecy??? Love will stand longer and shall not seize?

 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

that is heavy....and in conclusion...

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

So, no wonder God has been screaming at me about love. I had no idea what that really meant. if I am going to be prophetic I best be figuring out how to love in the way God intended.

so, when you say you LOVE someone remember what Love is. I know I will.

"Jen, you are one girl revolution."

Thanks Odette. I hate this title. I do not want to be "A one girl revolution." why is it that we generally want what we cannot have, get it, and then revolt?

I did not hear the voice of my God for 4 long years. when you are pretty sure that you are prophetic that is a whole hell of a long time. who cares anyways?? prophecy is crap. it brings about no change. people will only disappoint you by refusing to listen. My mom had a destiny she had purpose she was called she knew the voice of her God  and she killed herself.

 I got confused, lost my way, told God I no longer cared to hear what he had to say. he granted me this, and I was pissed at him for doing so.

I changed in those years. God did a work in me and I began to get an inkling of maybe how God feels.

free will. we all have it. we all exercise it we all run we all fall. we ARE all deeply flawed.

I told God If I never prophecy again I'm yours. meant it. found great joy in just trying to be a good Mom, good christian, wife and friend. and of course, God started to burn in me all consuming can't ignore it, bring you to your knees "ugly cry" kinda burn.I speak I prophecy and now I am on fire. I demand change. not just for myself, but for the people around me. I want revolution. and If I am the only one I can find, well I will find a way to be o.k with that to and hope that if the fire starts to fade I will remember the source in which It came from so I may find it again.

I have no idea how to do this blog thing but here is to trying to be obident. cheers.